The Fractured Guardian
As if my Brain had split -
I tried to match it - Seam by Seam -
But could not make it fit.
((Crazy!Sam RP account, formerly patient913. Independent, will RP with any fandom.))
Dear Dean:
You should be glad you’re not here. We’ve been walking for so long I think you could cut my feet off and I wouldn’t feel a thing. At least Cricket’s in a good mood.
I miss the impala
Hopefully we’ll be able to hitchhike or catch a bus or something because if I have to walk another step I am going to die.
I hope you’re okay.
-Sam
Pros of trying to quit:
- No longer Lucifer’s slave.
- Not a freak.
- Don’t have to worry about going darkside.
- Don’t have to lie to Emanuel/Dean.
Cons of trying to quit:
- Detox could kill me.
- Lucifer could kill me.
- It doesn’t matter if I’m drinking the blood or not. I’m still a freak.
I can’t do this. I’m not strong enough.
But I can’t quit either, because I have too many people relying on me. Emanuel and Bry and Dean. They all need me. I can’t quit on them. But I can’t keep going like this. I can’t keep going on when Dean hates me when Cas doesn’t remember me when my mind is just as fractured as hers
Why do I have to be the strong one? Why do I have to keep going? Why do I have to save everyone?
I never asked for this
It’s not fair
I just want it all to stop.
I’m not a monster I’m not a monster I’m not a monster I’m not a monster
I’m not
He said I deserved it.
I think he forgave me
I deserved it. He said he was wrong. I deserve it.
[These excerpts were written on the same day at various points in the day.]
Maybe I should go.
~~~
I am not the good son.
I never have been.
He only looked like Dean when he took the knife to me.
~~~
I can’t tell him. I don’t want him to look at me like I’m an abomination. He was right the first time he said it.
~~~
I can’t do this.
~~~
I should leave.
Dear Dean:
Things have quieted down a bit. I haven’t really been sleeping that much, but it’s better than nothing. No real sign of Lucifer, so that’s good.
Apparently I’m the charge of some angel named Camael? And I think she has a thing for me. God knows why. Normally the angels go after you. I don’t get it.
Emanuel and I found a dog. I think we’re going to keep her. We’re calling her Cricket. She’s really well-behaved for a stray. I think that someone just couldn’t take care of her anymore and cut her loose. It’s probably a good thing we found her before she got badly hurt or killed.
I know you don’t like dogs in the Impala but if we run into you again you’ll just have to deal
I miss y
Hopefully things will be clear sailing from now on.
-Sam
Dear Dean:
He’s back.
Actual Lucifer, not that thing in my head.
I mean, I’d run into a him before, but not this one. This one is exactly as I remember he’s out and I know he’s going to just hurt me again he won’t leave me alone
I’m scared
Castiel Emanuel and I took off. I think we lost him. I’m scared to sleep We’ll be okay.
I’m sorry.
-Sam
I miss Dean
I don’t feel well
Emanuel still doesn’t know
Should I tell him his new travelling companion is completely insane?
He’d leave if I told him
I don’t want to be alone again
How can I be sleeping better but still feel so tired?
How can he be so quiet about 35% of the time yet still drive me completely insane?
How the fuck does he know songs from My Little Pony?
I hate everything.
Castiel did something I know he did but I can’t prove it Cas what are you doing?
I have no idea what we’re going to do. We can’t stay here forever and as far as I can tell we don’t really have anywhere else to stay. Not yet. Another Castiel offered us as place to say, but I’m not sure how Ca Thursday will react.
I think something might be up with Dean, but I don’t know what. Could be something. Could be nothing.
He’s getting louder. Every day.
Maybe I should go back. Thursday or no Thursday, if I’m going to be dangerous to the others then…
I don’t know.
